Had the oddest epiphany this morning while listening to one of my favorite self-help YouTube channels: Instead of the “should I stay or should I go” agonizing over my marriage, maybe I’m thinking about it the wrong way. Maybe I should be thinking instead: “What am I getting out of this marriage?” “Am I becoming a better person in this… Read more →
Category: Indecision
She told me it’s OK to stay
Recently went to my psychiatrist for our semi-annual chat and renewal of my antidepressant medicines. She asked how I was doing in my marriage, because she knows the traumatic history. I told her that it’s comfortable. I don’t trust him like I used to, so I’m much more reserved, less reliant and less vulnerable than I was in the… Read more →
The pros & cons of marriage to my husband
I’m unhappy in my marriage. I know several reasons why. And I’m aware of some of the key influences in my childhood that bent me to the point where I have spent my adult life “looking for love in all the wrong places.” And that place is with men who can’t or won’t meet me in the middle for a… Read more →
Dreaming of me
Sometimes when I go to see my therapist we talk about something other than me or my family or my problems. I don’t know whether that’s because he’s just pleasant and interesting to talk to or because I need a break from the inside of my own head. Last week, we talked about how my older daughter wants to get… Read more →
More than one way to drown
I fell in the pool recently while we were wrangling with the tarp that covers it. (It’s an old house we own but don’t live in currently, so the pool is covered for now.) When I hit the tarp flat on my back, it wrapped around my feet and I started to slowly sink into the deep waters. My anxious husband was speechless and fretting… Read more →
Some Debbie-Downer observations
Some recent random observations that either occurred to me or were voiced by others (and which I identified with): Recent therapy session My therapist and I discussed my realization that my husband may love me, but he loves himself more, even though my husband fondly thinks of himself as a deeply-in-love romantic. My therapist agreed. It’s not as gut-wrenching of an… Read more →
A lovely man who I don’t trust
There are so many things I love about my husband. He makes me laugh. I know him so, so well. I make him laugh. He’s kind. He looks at me with such warmth in his eyes. I like how he thinks; he’s interesting. He’s a good father. He’s steady at work. He still surprises me with things he says and… Read more →
Paddling my own little ice floe through the Arctic
Today’s themes appear to be: Aloneness, fear, and sadness. Things I just realized over the past 3-4 days: • Why I’m hanging on: I can’t let go of my husband and this marriage after his affair, at least not now, for several reasons. Just realized that one is because in some ways I think that I’m an ugly person on the… Read more →