This rang true for me when I stumbled across it today:
“Cheating is a power play. People think it’s all sexy time and the Heart Wants What the Heart Wants bullshit. No, it’s a power grab. It’s a toxic dynamic of getting over on someone. It’s an unequal playing field. You invest all your kibbles in a fuckwit, and they’ll just pretend to return the investment.”Chump Lady, Aug. 19, 2020
(Emphasis mine in the quote.)
Now … ain’t THAT the truth.
My husband’s affair came at a time when he wasn’t communicating his anger, resentment and feelings of powerlessness (as we discussed afterward) during a severely stressful time in our lives.
Of course, his affair DID go on for four years, so it’s not like he slipped once and was startled to have fallen neck deep into her vagina. Or her heart.
It’s a recurring dynamic in our marriage, with me having opinions, and him being angry that I don’t always bow to his, and him stewing until he boils over. The affair grew out of his billowing resentment and unexpressed anger. Or at least that was one cause of it.
Him fucking around on me still feels like I got punished. I guess we both have resentment issues.