I’ve been binge-watching Derrick Jaxn’s channel on YouTube. He’s imperfect and I don’t agree with everything he says, but he is a good speaker and he uses a lot of common sense that cuts through bullshit. Particularly male bullshit, and even more specifically the bullshit of male cheaters. His main messages are to have standards for how you let people… Read more →
Waiting for that other shoe
Had a lot of time to think yesterday while in the outpatient surgery waiting room as hubby had a hernia repaired. (He’s doing fine, btw.) I don’t think often these days about his long-ago affair since I decided eventually to stay with him. But sometimes it still pops up unpredictably. We aren’t sleeping together. He is down on himself physically,… Read more →
He projected his anger & contempt onto me
“Essentially, all narcissists tell on themselves.” ~ Meredith Miller, innerintegration.com I’m still savoring the insights from a video I watched earlier this week. It talks about how narcissists inadvertently reveal details about themselves through what they are projecting onto you. The one thing that my husband kept saying over and over and over after his affair came to light was,… Read more →
You can lean on me … but no piggyback rides
I’m having trouble being supportive. My husband is having surgery in a couple of months to repair a giant hernia on his belly. He’s already gloomy about the news, worried about the cost, and fretting about getting older and having physical ailments. He also recently got the news that he has to have another tooth pulled and replaced with another… Read more →
A consequence of my suicide attempt
I’m a little down right now. My husband, younger daughter, and I had the first half of an eight-hour gun carry permit class last night. One of the things our instructor showed onscreen was a list of requirements for the license, and there was a part I hadn’t seen before. It said that the applicant shall not have been committed… Read more →
But my distortions are FAMILIAR to me
I’m working with a new therapist via the betterhelp.com website, and I like his approach so far. (I’m also very happy with the level of help and the frequency of contact I get for their asking price — just $45/week, paid a month in advance. I don’t get any recompense for saying that; I just like them.) I’ve come to… Read more →
‘This is an attempt to collect a debt …’
Fuck. This. Noise. We went through bankruptcy a while back — I think it was about three years ago. It was the kind where you don’t erase debts — you pay a percent of them as ordered by the court. It’s a five-year process before you are out from under the bankruptcy. I’d love to say it was all someone… Read more →
Staying or going … or just rocking in place
Had the oddest epiphany this morning while listening to one of my favorite self-help YouTube channels: Instead of the “should I stay or should I go” agonizing over my marriage, maybe I’m thinking about it the wrong way. Maybe I should be thinking instead: “What am I getting out of this marriage?” “Am I becoming a better person in this… Read more →
She told me it’s OK to stay
Recently went to my psychiatrist for our semi-annual chat and renewal of my antidepressant medicines. She asked how I was doing in my marriage, because she knows the traumatic history. I told her that it’s comfortable. I don’t trust him like I used to, so I’m much more reserved, less reliant and less vulnerable than I was in the… Read more →
Face-melting breath & selfish boundary breaking
He gets within 6-8 inches of my face in the morning and wants to talk or give a lingering kiss … despite 24+ years of being asked almost daily not to do that. My morning breath bothers me until I get my teeth brushed. His morning breath bothers me too, even after he brushes. But he “forgets” that I don’t… Read more →