It is so difficult to work yourself up to have the gumption to leave a bad marriage. And mine’s not bad. It’s just disappointing and lonely. Sometimes disturbing. Peppered with hauntingly sweet moments that occur often enough to serve as contrast, but not often enough to sustain me. Surprise — bad marriages may be hard to leave, but it’s equally… Read more →
The pros & cons of marriage to my husband
I’m unhappy in my marriage. I know several reasons why. And I’m aware of some of the key influences in my childhood that bent me to the point where I have spent my adult life “looking for love in all the wrong places.” And that place is with men who can’t or won’t meet me in the middle for a… Read more →
Paralyzing self-doubt
I grew up in a home of … well, I can’t exactly say “emotional highs and lows.” More like emotional lows and mediums. So my judgement of what is normal and reasonable to expect in life feels like it’s never been properly calibrated. It’s like, if I were weighing myself, I’m used to wildly fluctuating results and sometimes looking back… Read more →
No more pebbles … please
I’m really frustrated this morning, because my husband thinks I’m rejecting his gifts and criticizing him if I don’t ooh and ah over his unsolicited offerings. With him, all I am able to do is praise and thank. Anything else gets met with sullenness. This morning is an example of why he’s difficult to communicate with. He decided with no… Read more →
Fuck your tempest, fuck your teapot
It was a good morning that just turned to shit. I’m sure it will roll back around to a good day eventually. It’s just not there yet. I was putting on my makeup, arguing politics with my politically exasperating husband. I finally threw up my hands (metaphorically) and decided to finish getting dressed for work. I was frustrated with him,… Read more →
Dreaming of me
Sometimes when I go to see my therapist we talk about something other than me or my family or my problems. I don’t know whether that’s because he’s just pleasant and interesting to talk to or because I need a break from the inside of my own head. Last week, we talked about how my older daughter wants to get… Read more →
Git yer head outta the sand. Start talking. (Please.)
There really should be a protocol for spouses to send a note to the other spouse’s therapist. Seriously. I’ve seen a therapist one or two times a month for most of the time since my husband’s affair came to light. More recently, he’s begun seeing someone too. I urged him to since I wasn’t really able to help him with… Read more →
I wanna see me be brave.
I’m back after a long silence. I managed to paint myself into a corner with this blog, and it took me a while to grow my spine back. ;o) And obviously I love to mix metaphors. Here’s what happened: I love this blog, and when I find someone online who resonates with me, I am pretty casual about revealing my real… Read more →
His illusions reveal his character
This article was piercing for me. It talks about understanding what a cheating spouse was thinking during the affair. It was written by Rick Reynolds, founder and president of Affair Recovery, a marital counseling company. I have never been able to grasp my husband’s mindset about his affair, and probing doesn’t help. He clams up. Any info I get by… Read more →
Finding hope in the dark
It’s hard for me to express just how pleased I am that I’m now seeing a health psychologist. I feel hopeful about dealing with some of my physical ailments now, for the first time in a long time. My most recent session on Wednesday gave me some piercing insights. I went to him, Dr. M, at my regular therapist’s… Read more →