Had the oddest epiphany this morning while listening to one of my favorite self-help YouTube channels: Instead of the “should I stay or should I go” agonizing over my marriage, maybe I’m thinking about it the wrong way. Maybe I should be thinking instead: “What am I getting out of this marriage?” “Am I becoming a better person in this… Read more →
She told me it’s OK to stay
Recently went to my psychiatrist for our semi-annual chat and renewal of my antidepressant medicines. She asked how I was doing in my marriage, because she knows the traumatic history. I told her that it’s comfortable. I don’t trust him like I used to, so I’m much more reserved, less reliant and less vulnerable than I was in the… Read more →
Face-melting breath & selfish boundary breaking
He gets within 6-8 inches of my face in the morning and wants to talk or give a lingering kiss … despite 24+ years of being asked almost daily not to do that. My morning breath bothers me until I get my teeth brushed. His morning breath bothers me too, even after he brushes. But he “forgets” that I don’t… Read more →
‘Don’t throw that away. It can still be fixed.’ … Right?
“Focus on self, and not what ‘they’ should be doing.” — Jaime Primak Sullivan, in a 2017 video Damn, that’s good advice. And very hard to faithfully follow. Like Jaime, I’m mindful and try to be the very best version of myself. I believe that a living person is always learning. But when I’m unhappy with someone it’s very easy… Read more →
Here comes Peter Cottontail
Just a little update on the non-event of my sex life. Finally bought a new vibrator to replace the one that died when its old batteries rusted in place. (Oh, the metaphor there.) My old one was a boring beige — long and slender with an egg-shaped blob at the business end. I used to call it ET’s Finger, and it… Read more →
Is it me, or is it me, or is it me? I think it’s me.
I need to know if the nuances I’m about to describe are significant, or if this is just self-indulgent navel-gazing. And this is a hard concept to convey, but I’m trying: My husband doesn’t understand the crucial difference between telling me, “I love how you make me laugh when I’m having a bad day” and “I love how funny you are.” In… Read more →
Not your BAE, not your Boo
My husband has always told me stories about us. He reinforces the narrative he wants to emphasize, turning observations into marital canon. Like how we are “soul mates.” Like how we are “just meant to be.” Like how we laugh and talk when we are out to eat, while other couples in the restaurant around us sit silent, with dour faces,… Read more →
Check his drive so you don’t exhaust yours
Hindsight is always clearer than the present fog or the rosy future. I remember feeling so impatient to start my life with my now-husband back when we were dating. I’d known him all four years when we were in college, and many years later it was like picking up an old friendship with the added spice of sex. I was… Read more →
I’m sorry — here’s a lamp.
You’ll get the headline for this post if you listed to the video below. It’s absolutely spot-on perfect. The video is by Jaime Primak Sullivan — a publicist, producer, writer, mom and wife who hosts the popular Cawfeetawk vlog and a very sassy Instagram account. Here she’s talking about something her husband keeps failing to do, even though he knows it’s a… Read more →
Retiring, horny & unhappy
My husband happily talks about my possible retirement next year if he gets a job promotion he’s been chasing unsuccessfully for years now. That job is one he could do from anywhere in the world. He sees a long list of options for us as a couple who will travel the world, returning periodically to a small home full of… Read more →