Bad case of the stares

Immobilized. With a bad case of the stares. But gathering my energy to push back against the inertia once again, soon, somehow. Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash

I don’t know if I will ever get over my husband’s infidelity, but his actions over a long period of time have proven that he loves me. (Not that his love alone is the deciding factor in my life.) And I believe my life is better with him than without him. (Do I love? I still think so, although it’s diminished from what it was.)

So I’m staying. I’ll bet you figured that out long before I did. ;o)

But if he cheats again, I would not hesitate again to nuke our marriage. It was hard enough to live through one terrible betrayal. Another would gut me, and I could no longer live with him, love or not, if I found he was still capable of that.

The work thing

These days, my biggest stressor is work. Surprise, surprise! Other troubles don’t go away just because you are struggling with crippling depression and doubts.

My industry is going through major changes and downsizes. My old company recently sold our office and its four major projects to a small family-owned chain. The new owners are knowledgeable and nice, but they are slow to repair critical systems, cheap about basics like office supplies (notepads? Really??) and — solely in my opinion — are making some terribly shortsighted strategic decisions.

I’m working hard, but I feel stressed out to the point that my nerves jangle worse than a gypsy’s bracelets most days at the office. I have trouble concentrating, I feel disproportionately irritable about one nice but horribly loud person who screeches all the time and another who keeps calling me “boo,” and I keep finding myself losing minutes by just staring at my computer screen. Even friendly conversations with colleagues have me smiling on the outside but drumming my fingers on the inside as I think, “I don’t have time for this.”

I get the occasional eyeroll about my earbuds, but they are the only thing keeping my scorched brain from leaking out my ears somedays.

I am losing my shit. We had an unstable working environment from late December through late May while we waited to learn if our office would close or be sold, and since then it’s been “hurry up and wait” about necessary decisions, supplies and changes. I’ve had major responsibilities added to my tasks, with no raise in pay. (I had no raises for the previous six years either, due to the company’s tough financial issues.) I’ve learned that I was previously lied to about some numbers critical to the success of my project. And the work I do has me in a fairly public role, so every thing I can’t do as well as I normally do because of the workload and the stress makes me feel like a very public nincompoop.

My patience bucket is totally dry and dusty at the bottom.

I’m 58 and had planned to stay at this job until retirement. Now I think I’m either going to work elsewhere (kind of a financial need to … if I can find anything) or retire early and hope we can get by on my husband’s salary alone. And I don’t have good vibes about that. He makes good money, but he doesn’t have a good relationship with his boss (for good reasons), and I’m afraid one day there will be a slammed door and him coming home with his belongings in a box.

I don’t want that box to be where we have to live, lol.

I feel fairly unhireable, because I have run my mouth online a LOT with my outraged liberal political opinions, the polarizing fact that I’m an atheist, have sarcastic and scatological humor, and have strong stances on reproductive rights, LGBTQIA rights, the loathesomeness of Republicans and our current president’s regime, and more. My friends love me, but I’m not sure a new boss would. Maybe I should delete all that blathering o’mine or put it behind some privacy protections. But I’m not really ashamed of who I am and how I present myself — just aware that it’s now awkward as hell. (TL;DR: I’ve said “fuck” and “idiot” too many times on Facebook.)

I need to take actions OTHER than flapping my jaw about this, right? Writing it all down makes this more clear. More updates later — I am now straining to rise and once again push back against this heavy inertia.

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