Waiting for that other shoe

Photo by Walt Jabsco via Flickr.com; some rights reserved.

Had a lot of time to think yesterday while in the outpatient surgery waiting room as hubby had a hernia repaired. (He’s doing fine, btw.) I don’t think often these days about his long-ago affair since I decided eventually to stay with him. But sometimes it still pops up unpredictably.

We aren’t sleeping together. He is down on himself physically, including how his enormous hernia looks (about the size of half a volleyball), and he’s discouraged by erectile dysfunction. And I’m guessing he’s also turned off by me being fat and frequently sick, although he is so non-confrontational he would *never* say so. (He’s fat too, but I don’t mind.) He does nothing to participate in a sex life with me, although I’ve made it abundantly clear I’m DTF. And if I try to initiate, he just stays non-fuckably soft.

We get along SO well. But I seldom feel close to him. It’s like he only makes an effort if I first do so. And there’s no sex, so that intimacy is also missing.

I remember in the aftermath of D-Day, when I discovered his affair, that one of the things he finally said by way of explanation was that I had pulled away from him. He said some variation of this: “Do you *know* how many times I tried to get you to come upstairs to bed, but you stayed on your computer and slept on the sofa?!” (I was not yet diagnosed with clinical depression, and he mistook that for contempt/disinterest in him and didn’t try to talk with me about it. Instead, he just fell into another cootchy.)

So these days, I’m seeing similarities.

We have varied sleep schedules that often keep us apart: I like a nap after work; he doesn’t. He wakes up at 3 a.m. and can’t go back to sleep; I get up each morning — reluctantly — around 5:30 a.m. or 6. He goes to bed around 8:30 p.m.; I’m usually up (after an early evening nap) until 11 or 12 or later. (To be fair, I would stay up this late anyway even without a nap.)

And I wonder, are we essentially roommates because it’s just easier than trying, or is he disinterested because he’s secretly carrying on with another woman again? Because I was clueless the first time. I feel like I could be clueless again. There was no sign that I saw except his distance.

After an affair, when do you stop waiting for the other shoe to drop? I’m at six years out. Still waiting.

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