Today’s insight: My husband almost convinced me that his affair was all my fault for being depressed, angry and unavailable to him. I think that one of the reasons I stayed after D-Day* was that I felt guilty for being unlovable. (*If you don’t know, “D-Day” refers to Discovery Day, as when I discovered his affair. The affair recovery support… Read more →
Category: Guilt and Shame
A consequence of my suicide attempt
I’m a little down right now. My husband, younger daughter, and I had the first half of an eight-hour gun carry permit class last night. One of the things our instructor showed onscreen was a list of requirements for the license, and there was a part I hadn’t seen before. It said that the applicant shall not have been committed… Read more →
Thinking of Paris. And him.
My husband astonished me last weekend with the announcement he would like to take me and our daughters on a brief trip to Paris early next year. It’s a luxury that he promised many years ago when we were broke newlyweds, and he’s very pleased that he found a deal through his workplace’s discounts program that finally makes it affordable for us.… Read more →
Hot air and hatred
The day we missed out on watching hot air balloons with my mother’s side of the family is a perfect example of when they made me the villain and punished me for it. And I participated by feeling shamed. It’s hard to put into words just how awful this was, but it remains vivid to me as one of the many,… Read more →
Some Debbie-Downer observations
Some recent random observations that either occurred to me or were voiced by others (and which I identified with): Recent therapy session My therapist and I discussed my realization that my husband may love me, but he loves himself more, even though my husband fondly thinks of himself as a deeply-in-love romantic. My therapist agreed. It’s not as gut-wrenching of an… Read more →
The year of shame and shunning
One of the things I’m working on with my therapist is ostracism. (Everything in my life isn’t about my husband’s affair, people. Although, come to think of it, he ostracised me too. Hmm.) I keep thinking of how often and how powerfully the theme of ostracism has reared its ugly warty head in my life, and I really want to work… Read more →
The time of almost-sex, hate mail, and betrayal
I got my first hate mail from an adult when I was 14, and it relates to some almost-sex I had. I was dating a much older guy (my mother was sometimes an idiot to permit things like that), and he was far more ready for sex than I was. We did some petting, and that’s as far as it… Read more →
His love is like a red, red rose. For him.
We marked our 21st wedding anniversary today. The original plan was for him to cook steaks for the family tonight, and we plan to go out to a movie and casual dinner on Saturday. (But I was not feeling well, so we just ate baked potatoes and are saving the steaks for Saturday too.) I do like the fact that he’s sentimental about… Read more →
Misplaced guilt, or honest self-examination?
I wonder if other people go through this: When I feel triggered or just angry or sad about my marriage, or when I think of something related to his affair, an odd exchange of energy occurs if I talk about it with my husband. I feel relief — like I’ve cleaned a wound and applied fresh new medicine and a… Read more →