One of the things I’m working on with my therapist is ostracism. (Everything in my life isn’t about my husband’s affair, people. Although, come to think of it, he ostracised me too. Hmm.) I keep thinking of how often and how powerfully the theme of ostracism has reared its ugly warty head in my life, and I really want to work… Read more →
Author: Effie
Me, my thoughts, and my little red swimsuit
When I was a little girl, sometime in the first year after my daddy died, my grandmother took me and my mother on a short family trip to a beach a few hours drive from our home. I have pictures of them and me, squinting in the sun and digging our feet into the warm sand. I think the goal… Read more →
Not always right, but always been bold
When I was 11 or 12, I used to steal my stepfather’s dirty magazines. Not for what you think, although I was curious too. Here’s what happened. During the summer while my mother worked, I often had to spend the day with my stepfather at his small furniture store. So boring, even if I brought books and toys, and the… Read more →
Dumping expectations
Background: My husband and I are staying together after his affair. It’s been a long time since D-Day, but I am still going to an individual counselor because it just helps me cope with him and other issues. (Let’s just call my therapist Max the Marvelous, because he truly is a marvelously compassionate and insightful therapist — or perhaps just… Read more →
Quit crushing my hand
This is the first in an occasional series about the imaginary conversations I have in my head. (Don’t worry. I’m mentally balanced. Just very imaginative, and I often work off stresses by imagining how I could have handled recent irritants better. It also helps me to draw boundaries.) I have arthritis in my hands, visibly so if you glance at… Read more →
So safe I was trapped
I knew my childhood was lonely and there were some bad experiences, bad practices, and a few bad people. It wasn’t until I got into counseling and watched my therapists gape that I began to realize just how unhealthy and abnormal some parts of it were. All these years, I have carried forth the belief that I am a bad… Read more →
Shit needs to get real
This post is about life, not about infidelity like most of this blog. FYI. I’m still processing an electrifying session I had with my therapist yesterday. Normally it’s quite chatty and thoughtful. Rarely confrontational. He doesn’t get angry; it’s not an emotional interaction for him, and he’s professional. But he did get FIRM. Bottom line: I can reduce my stress… Read more →
How not to cook a frog
I had a bittersweet talk with my husband this morning. Bittersweet because I love him, and he’s trying, but I don’t think he can or will really hear me. I finally mentioned that I had been thinking for about a week off and on about an aspect of his affair. I recalled how he feared his affair partner’s husband would… Read more →
They know they did wrong
Even now, three and one-half years after finding out my husband was having an affair, I still occasionally have revelations. My husband was typical of most cheaters having emotional affairs, in that he tried at first to draw me into his delusion that they were “just friends.” I didn’t buy into that view, because I know intimacy in a relationship… Read more →
Walk up to the “I” line, but no further. (Or “Learning to stay in my lane.”)
My therapist is great. He gave me some useful, subtle advice for a persistent issue I’ve encountered with assholes my whole life. The advice is: Don’t bother trying to explain to or argue with a mentally unhealthy person. Keep your emotions in check during any unavoidable or necessary encounters. (A frank friend once said it more succinctly: “Check yourself before… Read more →