Learned a new phrase today: “Betrayal trauma.” I’ve been looking for a handle that describes how I feel, and this one is it. Calling what I’m going through “PTSD” doesn’t seem right. It feels wrong to use a term that applies to suffering veterans. “Betrayal trauma” is more precise to just what I’ve gone through since his affair. I’m kind of… Read more →
Author: Effie
Paddling my own little ice floe through the Arctic
Today’s themes appear to be: Aloneness, fear, and sadness. Things I just realized over the past 3-4 days: • Why I’m hanging on: I can’t let go of my husband and this marriage after his affair, at least not now, for several reasons. Just realized that one is because in some ways I think that I’m an ugly person on the… Read more →
Has anything really changed since his affair?
I was listening to another YouTube video this morning about “emotional affairs” and how to actively work toward recovering trust. The most interesting part to me was the observation that it’s extremely difficult to pull off if BOTH people aren’t working toward it. My husband isn’t doing anything really to restore trust, although he is being generally very nice. And… Read more →
What I tell my daughter
I had a childhood with a lot of tension (as many people do), and there’s a family history of stressed-out women dealing with difficult life circumstances. So I don’t know if it’s nature or nurture, (or both), but I have gone to counselors, therapists, psychologists, or psychiatrists at all the major stress points in my life. I’m not ashamed of… Read more →
Am I doomed to not having sex?
At *least* since early July (and probably for a month or so earlier), I’ve been telling my husband that I’m in a better place emotionally and physically, and I would love for us to start sleeping together again. It used to be that he was like a hungry dog on a chain, always straining toward me. But these days? Not… Read more →
Mental struggles over his affair
I don’t want to convict my husband in the court of public opinion — or even in our private lives — about his affair or other problems in our marriage. He has many fine qualities. That makes it doubly hard for me to mentally and emotionally reconcile his long-term infidelity with the kind man I’ve known for decades. We met… Read more →
Not ready to make nice
One of the most shocking things my husband did during his affair was simply something he said about me. I have not forgiven it. Here’s the context. I think I came out as an atheist around the same time I decided two things: I really, truly was one, and it was time I admitted it. I believe that was around… Read more →
Triggers, triggers everywhere
Know what triggers are? They are things that remind you of something traumatic in your past, bringing up those same feelings of pain, horror and/or anger. I think I actually have more triggers than this related to my husband’s affair. These are the ones I thought of today. Museums (she works at one) Sexting (they did a lot of that)… Read more →
The almost-comedy of a failed suicide attempt
I should probably mention my suicide attempt. A little background first: I found out about my husband’s four-year affair on July 22, 2012. Afterward, I stayed awake all night, thinking of what I could do, what I should do, and what I wanted to do. When I came downstairs the next morning to where my husband was sleeping on the… Read more →
Hidden anger still burns
You know how, when someone is angry with you, that other person clips his words, keeps eye contact to the bare minimum, keeps his face expressionless or grim, and lets every conversational attempt die? Yeah. That’s how my husband has been tonight. I asked a couple of times if he was angry that we had had a tearful conversation at… Read more →