We marked our 21st wedding anniversary today. The original plan was for him to cook steaks for the family tonight, and we plan to go out to a movie and casual dinner on Saturday. (But I was not feeling well, so we just ate baked potatoes and are saving the steaks for Saturday too.) I do like the fact that he’s sentimental about… Read more →
Author: Effie
Our hide-and-go-seek sex life
I wonder how many people feel as conflicted as I do about having sex with a spouse who has been unfaithful. My husband’s multi-year emotional affair ended in mid-2012. Our sex life has been erratic since then. He has always struggled with erectile dysfunction, but it was much, much worse in the years just before his affair. It got to… Read more →
Dream a little hateful dream of me
Had a dream Friday night that my husband — in a voice dripping with contempt — told me that I was an asshole. The sneer on his face didn’t fade when I looked at him, shocked and hurt. My older daughter (from a previous marriage) was standing nearby, and in a moment I learned he was dumping me and marrying… Read more →
The good and the bad after his affair
I’m thinking about the affair and how my husband has responded in the aftermath. It’s been both nice and sad. He does lovely things, like: Put a couple of freshly folded bath towel on the side of the tub because he knows I often forget to get them until I stand up, dripping wet, and look around Packs my lunch for me… Read more →
Leap of faith, fearing danger
I grew up about five miles from town, on a lightly populated rural road. Very few kids to play with unless I got someone to cart me into town. Then I went to kindergarten, and being with all the other children was wonderful. It was a private class in a woman’s home because kindergarten programs were not common in schools back… Read more →
Bad marriage counselors give bad advice. Badly.
I’m thinking about several things today: Why my husband had surges of anger with me during and after his affair, how I felt so much of my self-esteem sapped by his infidelity, and how bad marriage counseling made things much, much worse. Near-lethally worse. This article rang true, loud and clear like a clap of thunder. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200905/emotional-abuse-why-your-marriage-counseling-failed The article explains that therapists may be focused on… Read more →
Seating for one, right this way
Thinking about boundaries today. My therapist has said more than once about my current marriage, “You married your mom*,” because of some ways she and my husband were alike. But I think it may be true of all three of my marriages, that I unconsciously saw something in these men that would let me address old, old wounds from childhood… Read more →
Misplaced guilt, or honest self-examination?
I wonder if other people go through this: When I feel triggered or just angry or sad about my marriage, or when I think of something related to his affair, an odd exchange of energy occurs if I talk about it with my husband. I feel relief — like I’ve cleaned a wound and applied fresh new medicine and a… Read more →
Comfort and insight: Online, even if nowhere else
YouTube channels and Facebook groups have been a source of comfort and perspective for me lately. So I’m sharing the wealth. Current faves on YouTube The ones that resonate most for me: Homonculus Mandrake (funny, painful, authentic recounting of a man working through being discarded by his narc wife) [Update: He has closed his channel.] Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach (insightful, very… Read more →
I know who I am. You do too.
Yesterday, I remembered with a smile how my younger daughter reacted when she was very little and I had ordered some used but very nice clothes for her on eBay. She was about 5. I opened the box and proudly showed her the pristine pale blue corduroy pants, shirt, sweater and a couple of other outfits. She looked at it… Read more →