Category: Uncategorized

The happy horseshit of Esther Perel

Below is my transcript of Esther Perel talking on the Scandinavian talk show “Skavlan” in the fall of 2017. (YouTube link.) My “Oh, what bullshit” comments are in a different color, interspersed throughout the transcript. The show’s host is Fredrik Skavlan, a Norwegian journalist, cartoonist and TV personality. Esther Perel is a Belgian psychotherapist who, according to Wikipedia, is “notable… Read more →

Giving up.

Every time I think I’ve come to a decision, the fucking road forks again … and again … and again, and I find myself circling back to the same place. I’ve come to the realization that — even if I wanted to — my poor health means I can’t afford to leave my marriage. I’m at the point where I need… Read more →

Paralyzing self-doubt

I grew up in a home of … well, I can’t exactly say “emotional highs and lows.” More like emotional lows and mediums. So my judgement of what is normal and reasonable to expect in life feels like it’s never been properly calibrated. It’s like, if I were weighing myself, I’m used to wildly fluctuating results and sometimes looking back… Read more →

Like an old leaf on the water

My husband keeps asking me, “Are you okay?” And I keep not being okay. (I don’t say that, but I’m not.) It feels like I’ve got something painful to realize or to say, but I’m not quite there yet. Have you ever had a niggling vague ache that you can’t quite pin down, but you know it’s not supposed to feel… Read more →

Building a new nest. Or a happier bird.

 [EDITOR’S NOTE: Changed the headline from “better bird” to “happier bird.” That fits better.] I’m contemplating my new life, now that both my children are out of the house. I don’t want to spend the rest of it playing with my phone while stretched out on the sofa while my husband is stretched out nearby with his Nook. (Solitary lazing has… Read more →

I’m a goddamned diamond

I have been blogging and talking online more lately about some hard parts of my childhood, particularly my violated boundaries and my difficult relationship with my mother. I’ve also thought about something my therapist said after I’d been seeing him for a while. It was something like, “I just imagine how successful and strong you would have been without the mother and… Read more →

You little shitass

Okay, here’s an utterly GROSS bit of childhood trivia. I had trouble pooping when I was a kid, and I would hide the fact from my mother as long as I could because I’d rather hurt than endure the solution. Eventually, though, Mama always noticed. She was a nurse, unafraid of bodily functions, so she would solve my problem with an… Read more →

So safe I was trapped

I knew my childhood was lonely and there were some bad experiences, bad practices, and a few bad people. It wasn’t until I got into counseling and watched my therapists gape that I began to realize just how unhealthy and abnormal some parts of it were. All these years, I have carried forth the belief that I am a bad… Read more →