Things I would like to say to my husband today

I don’t want to beat a dead horse and say these things to a husband who already knows how hurt I am and has heard all these already anyway. So I’m saying it here instead:

Dear Husband:

  • At first you didn’t even think of it as an affair, as you were “just friends.”
  • Then you had “reasons” for it — you said I seemed as if I were done with you, and did I know how many nights you had tried to get me to come upstairs instead of being online downstairs?
  • You know how badly you hurt me. I still don’t know what would prevent you from once again misunderstanding me, feeling rejected and taking that path again if I ever find myself depressed or angry with you again. Would you ask your therapist to help you explore that?
  • Honestly, I believe you’re sincere when you say it wasn’t your intention to have an affair or to hurt me, and that you have every intention to NOT do this again. But you felt very certain when you married me that you wouldn’t do it then, and yet you did. So what you are saying to me are just words coming out of the mouth of the man who pledged his devotion in the past and violated his own promises once already. So what assurance can you give me? None — all you have is words.
  • I am staying with you, because I love you and I love my family. But my decision is totally devoid of trust. I am choosing to live out the rest of my life with you as a woman with no sense of security, no safety net, and in fact a relationship track record of one spectacular failure with you. You can love me for the rest of your life, but you can never, ever make that up to me.

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