Retiring, horny & unhappy

hippo love
“You horny, bro?” Source: Torbakhopper at Flickr.com

My husband happily talks about my possible retirement next year if he gets a job promotion he’s been chasing unsuccessfully for years now. That job is one he could do from anywhere in the world. He sees a long list of options for us as a couple who will travel the world, returning periodically to a small home full of memories and joy.

I wish that were something I could believe in.

… I don’t trust he can secure the job because he’s awful at job interviews.

… I don’t trust him to be faithful in the years ahead.

… I don’t trust that he’s even faithful right now. He’s too content in his complete disinterest in sex with me.

But the stories he tells about our future are nice, and I just let him roll with them. They are nice fantasies. (Does that make me a future-faker, because I don’t really believe those things will happen?)

And since I’m complaining today, let me air one other thing that’s weighing on me. I am so SICK AND TIRED of being nonsexual. How are we going to have a marriage if he just WILL NOT sleep with me?

I’m putting a pin in it right now, marking today as when I begin taking notes on our nonexistent sex life. If I had to guess, I think we haven’t had sex more than once or twice in the past year. I stopped initiating it for a long time because I got so tired and humiliated at being shut down each time. And he just went right along with abstinence since he’s so passive.

Eventually in frustration I tried to let him know I wanted sex, multiple times over months, but each time he has just looked sad and done nothing. NOTHING.

The only thing he does that is remotely sexual is wanting to French kiss me. But I feel nothing but a desire to avoid him when he tries that. I’m not sure whether it’s his bad breath or I’m just an asshole who asks for sex but doesn’t encourage his pursuit of it. I can certainly admit that I’m part of the problem … but not the largest part of it.

He always goes for the tongue at an inopportune time — like when he’s kissing me goodbye outside my office, or he’s leaving the house. Not when we’re in the living room or bedroom and it’s a possibility.

Why. No. Sex.

“Performance” fears. I thought at first he was leery of trying because he has had such terrible problems with erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. Then I persuaded him to investigate his testosterone levels, and his doctor said he definitely needed shots. But now that he gets them regularly, nothing in our sex life has changed.

I’m fat. Maybe he just honestly doesn’t find me sexually attractive. (Couldn’t he at least close his eyes, enjoy a blow job and then get me off with a little vibrator action? Seriously, I’m not asking for a porn-star-level production here.)

He’s fat. Maybe he’s SO self-conscious of his huge belly and the enormous hernia he has on his belly that he doesn’t want to get naked with me. But wouldn’t sexual desire at least occasionally overrule self-consciousness?

Or maybe he’s still having his old affair (or has started a new one). This is always a possibility.

Perhaps he’s just outta here. Maybe he’s working on his escape plan from this marriage.

Maybe he’s trying to be respectful of my boundaries and isn’t pursuing me because I’m no longer pursuing him sexually. But that’s bogus, since I’ve explicitly told him I’m very DTF.

Maybe it’s just a control issue for him. Or maybe it’s my issue and I’m blind to it.

What the fuck ever. I will take care of my own sexual needs and will keep counting down the days until I can give him the natural consequences of being so checked out of our marriage. I don’t want to do that. I really don’t. I keep hoping he will change. But I’m no longer going to count on it.

[UPDATE, 2-8-18]: Just discovered that the batteries have rusted in place in my vibrator. There’s no go-go in my joy-joy stick. LOL! If that ain’t a symbol of our sex life, I don’t know what is.

[Update: Sept. 14, 2018 — Still no getting of the D. I am SO. FUCKING. SICK. of doing without sex. Handheld appliances (yes, I bought a new one via the magic of Amazon.com) can only go so far.]

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