Retiring, horny & unhappy

hippo love

“You horny, bro?” Source: Torbakhopper at Flickr.com

My husband happily talks about my possible retirement next year if he gets a job promotion he’s been chasing unsuccessfully for years now. That job is one he could do from anywhere in the world. He sees a long list of options for us as a couple who will travel the world, returning periodically to a small home full of memories and joy.

I wish that were something I could believe in.

… I don’t trust he can secure the job because he’s awful at job interviews.

… I don’t trust him to be faithful in the years ahead.

… I don’t trust that he’s even faithful right now. He’s too content in his complete disinterest in sex with me.

But the stories he tells about our future are nice, and I just let him roll with them. They are nice fantasies. (Does that make me a future-faker, because I don’t really believe those things will happen?)

And since I’m complaining today, let me air one other thing that’s weighing on me. I am so SICK AND TIRED of being nonsexual. How are we going to have a marriage if he just WILL NOT sleep with me?

I’m putting a pin in it right now, marking today as when I begin taking notes on our nonexistent sex life. If I had to guess, I think we haven’t had sex more than once or twice in the past year. I stopped initiating it for a long time because I got so tired and humiliated at being shut down each time. And he just went right along with abstinence since he’s so passive.

Eventually in frustration I tried to let him know I wanted sex, multiple times over months, but each time he has just looked sad and done nothing. NOTHING.

The only thing he does that is remotely sexual is wanting to French kiss me. But I feel nothing but a desire to avoid him when he tries that. I’m not sure whether it’s his bad breath or I’m just an asshole who asks for sex but doesn’t encourage his pursuit of it. I can certainly admit that I’m part of the problem … but not the largest part of it.

He always goes for the tongue at an inopportune time — like when he’s kissing me goodbye outside my office, or he’s leaving the house. Not when we’re in the living room or bedroom and it’s a possibility.

Why. No. Sex.

“Performance” fears. I thought at first he was leery of trying because he has had such terrible problems with erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. Then I persuaded him to investigate his testosterone levels, and his doctor said he definitely needed shots. But now that he gets them regularly, nothing in our sex life has changed.

I’m fat. Maybe he just honestly doesn’t find me sexually attractive. (Couldn’t he at least close his eyes, enjoy a blow job and then get me off with a little vibrator action? Seriously, I’m not asking for a porn star-level production here.)

He’s fat. Maybe he’s SO self-conscious of his huge belly and the enormous hernia he has on his belly that he doesn’t want to get naked with me. But wouldn’t sexual desire at least occasionally overrule self-consciousness?

Or maybe he’s still having his old affair (or has started a new one). This is always a possibility.

Perhaps he’s just outta here. Maybe he’s working on his escape plan from this marriage.

Maybe he’s trying to be respectful of my boundaries and isn’t pursuing me because I’m no longer pursuing him sexually. But that’s bogus, since I’ve explicitly told him I’m very DTF.

Maybe it’s just a control issue for him. Or maybe it’s my issue and I’m blind to it.

What the fuck ever. I will take care of my own sexual needs and will keep counting down the days until I can give him the natural consequences of being so checked out of our marriage. I don’t want to do that. I really don’t. I keep hoping he will change. But I’m no longer going to count on it.

[UPDATE, 2-8-18]: Just discovered that the batteries have rusted in place in my vibrator. There’s no go-go in my joy-joy stick. LOL! If that ain’t a symbol of our sex life, I don’t know what is.

 

 

  5 comments for “Retiring, horny & unhappy

  1. February 7, 2018 at 1:03 PM

    This post blew.my.mind! I am on the opposite side of this story in my marriage. I’ve spent a decade and a half on running 5ks and 10k, working out, testosterone replacement, making sure all my health levels are in check, “chore play,” taking up cooking, hiring a housekeeper, date nights to try and rekindle a sex life that has gone from 6x a year to 4x to 2x to I don’t even care to count. I hear my wife talk about plans beyond the kids HS and college graduations together and I think, why? To do what, be ignored full time rather than part time? Wow, what prize that will be. I’m disappointed and ashamed at myself for making such a poor choice, but my kids are great. Once they’re gone and we don’t need a big house – what’s the point of sticking around? I read everything I can about how to not be a victim of gray divorce but I just don’t think I have it in me. I never thought the finish line would be so bleak. It started out promising.

    • Effie
      February 8, 2018 at 12:15 PM

      I’m always sad to hear that another healthy, decent person who is truly trying in his/her marriage is yoked with someone who is all talk-talk-talk and absolutely no walk-walk-walk. Whatever happened to letting your actions speak? Seriously — I feel your pain. Your comment on fearing that the future means you will be ignored full-time rather than part-time really hits home too. I’ve had the same impression without having the clarity to word it as piercingly right as you did.

      “The Gray Divorce” should be a book or blog title. It’s perfect for that slow death by a thousand small cuts.

      Surprisingly, for the utter lack of sexual interest he shows in me, my husband is big on talking about the future, retirement plans, travel, etc. I’m the one who looks at him, unbelieving, and wonders, “What the hell are you talking about? You don’t even WANT me.”

      One place online where I have found a great community of compassion, clarity and “spine building” (I needed a lot of that) is the website http://www.chumplady.com. I know it may seem at first read that it’s just for women, but there are men there too. I hope you find it useful. And you are ALWAYS welcome to comment or guest-post here.

      I wish you well as you work on living your life for more joy. Everyone has the right to that. (((hugs)))

  2. February 13, 2018 at 4:03 PM

    Thank you very much for the referral to the link. -Quite- an eye opener and a community of people who obviously have each other’s backs. I’m pretty sure me being cut off isn’t a consequence of her having a boyfriend or a lover, I have far too much respect for her and our family to “outsource” anything I am missing from my relationship. I really don’t like the feeling of my heart hardening against her, that a day like tomorrow (Valentines) I am putting on an act until I can hit the escape button in a way that doesn’t upset my kids until after their school years. At work I’m a nationally sought after, successful resource in a growing field – in my own house I run 2nd place to nightly reruns of Big Bang Theory and a rescue dog. So tomorrow it will be flowers at work, chocolate dipped strawberries at home, a few new nice charms for her bracelet, dinner at her favorite restaurant and she’ll be in sweatpants and looking at Pinterest by 8 on the laptop in front of the tv. *sigh*

  3. Alexis
    March 26, 2018 at 7:59 PM

    Hey beautiful girl. It ain’t YOU. It’s him. Been there, done that. Being rejected sexually as a woman is god freaking awful. We try and make all kinds of excuses FOR THEIR BEHAVIOR. NO.

    Maybe what you married is a covert narcissist who love bombed you and then cut you off sexually.
    That is what they do. It is all about control. Like that video on cawfeetalk. He could have sex with you,
    he just doesn’t want to. If he is a narc, he is absolutely terrified of intimacy and that is not going to change.
    Ever. NOT EVER. Narcs hate women. It is the underlying issue of why he uses sex as a weapon to hurt you.

    Odds are sweetie he is also passive aggressive, and denying you sex is just one way he expresses that aggression. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but the odds of him ever giving you what you want and need are slim to none.

    If he isn’t a narc, then he could just have a very low sex drive and you guys are mismatched. My sex life was maybe 6 or 8 times a years, if that. Then nothing. Nothing for years. I finally couldn’t take it anymore and divorced him. We tried counseling, nothing helped. They do what they want. Period. Oh, and he could also have a porn addiction that you don’t low about. If so, that alone can kill the drive to want to be with your wife.

    Somethings to think about. Lots of info online and youtube about narcs and how they deprive you of sex.
    I feel your pain and dang, it hurts so bad to think that the one who supposedly loved you treats you so bad.
    Sex doesn’t make a relationship, but it can break a relationship. Take care, be strong, and above all LISTEN to your gut feeling. They never lie. That small voice inside that is telling you something is really wrong is trying to save your life. Trying to save you from you. Get real and listen. Have courage.

    • Effie
      March 29, 2018 at 2:38 PM

      Thank you so much. Living with him is a complicated mix of shared humor and history, and frustration/resentment on several levels.

      I’ve wondered before about him being a narcissist. He has a thick aura of being a “good guy” and does a lot to shore that up. If he’s a narc, I think he’s of the “vulnerable narcissist” type. He’s always said he is totally intimidated by me. It’s tiring, feeling like I need to dial down “me being me” to a 1 on a 10-point scale in order not to overwhelm him. It’s only in recent years that it dawned on me that this is a subtle manipulation of me too. I noticed he had trained me like a dog to respond in specific ways to his sighs and disappointed looks. It’s really thrown him off his game now that I’ve begun saying, “You can sigh all you want but this discussion is happening, so buckle up, buddy.”

      Who marries a strong, intense/fierce woman and then expects her to walk always, always, always on eggshells? He certainly did.

      I wish I had more confidence in my own inner voice and gut feelings. I’m thinking about going back into individual counseling if I can find someone compatible. I tried an online/phone service, but the counselor kept telling me how harsh and awful I am because I confided in her that he isn’t very hygienic and almost always smells bad. She kept saying over and over, “Imagine how that makes him feel!” (I didn’t say, truthfully “Gross, it smells like shit in here when you drop your pants, and I’m tired of having to mouth-breathe during sex.” What I actually said to him was something like, “It’s been a long day. If you’ll go take a quick shower before you come back in here to the bedroom, I’ll make it worth your while.” That isn’t demeaning, is it? But it was all the counselor could focus on — how “mean” I am.) And you know? Fuck that noise. I’m not going back to someone who just doesn’t hear me. I get enough of that at home!

      Thanks for the validation. I have a hard time listening to my gut. Best to you!!

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