Analysis: ‘How DARE you call me on my bullshit!’

Source: Flickr.com; some rights reserved.

Some real “aunt” poison. Source: Flickr.com; some rights reserved.

I’m posting this defense here in honor of a dear gal who has enlightened me, touched my heart and generously shared her personal stories, research, and insights with me and others on her YouTube channel. I only know her online, but she feels like a friend. She got a manipulative letter from her sister recently after she went no-contact with the sister. My friend clearly felt blue when she read it in a recent vlog post, even though she saw the veins of poison that ran through the bitchy letter. I thought she might get a chuckle out of my analysis, as someone bristling with indignation on her behalf. At the very least, I hope it reinforces her perceptions of the situation and helps her frame her sister’s communication as the ugly manipulation that it truly is.

I’m using as my analysis tool my own version of the wonderful Universal Bullshit Translator (UBT) found on the stellar ChumpLady.com website (highly recommended). Here goes — with the poisonous sister’s comments in italics and my no-bullshit translation below.

 

[BEGINNING OF NARKY LETTER]

 

“Hi, Fi. I’ve been thinking about you more than usual lately.”

 

UBT version: “You actually crossed my mind for a change.”

* * * * * * * * * * *

“Can we communicate now, or do you still want me to have nothing to do with you and your family?”

 

UBT version: “Aren’t you OVER the pain yet? The fact that we’ve been horrible to you all your life and that we remain utterly unrepentant about it shouldn’t keep us from draining your delicious, vulnerable, tender, tasty, young supply sources … er … I mean, the darling kids.”

* * * * * * * * * * *

“Does Belle think I’m a terrible person for smoking? Has that helped her justify why I had to be barred?”

 

UBT version: “It just occurred to me that I might raise your hackles as a protective mother if I imply that your daughter is at fault and that she’s made a capricious and unfair decision to shun me, and now she’s pretending there was a real reason for it. (In case you missed it, I’m implying that I did nothing wrong and that you and your daughter are having to make up reasons to shun me.) I thought it would also be fun to imply that your ‘no contact’ decision was based on just one minor point, such as the fact that I exhale carcinogenic substances around your kids and really don’t care about being a responsible smoker who takes the cigarettes elsewhere when it’s time to smoke. Let’s totally ignore the fact that I expel far more poisonous words, toxic attitudes and contempt for the kids’ mother, shall we? Oh, I hope that I’ve goaded you. Have I? Please oh please oh please!”

* * * * * * * * * * *

“I miss them so much. I already said that.”

 

UBT version: “I hope you understand the very important fact that what’s MOST IMPORTANT in this situation is me. My wants. My conveniences. My ego. I really miss being able to use your kids like a drive-thru restaurant where I can zip in, gorge on what they have to offer, and then zip out again, all full and refreshed, forgetting them until I want something again. I’d also like to call your attention to the fact that I am self-aware — notice the fact that I’m aware of my own repetition. Know what that means? I’m sensitive and self-deprecating. Totally. You’re noticing that, right? Should I say it again?”

* * * * * * * * * * *

“I’m trying to keep this simple and without clouding it with all the feelings associated with it.”

 

UBT version: “I’d really like to tell you off, and it pisses me off that I have hit a firm boundary with you. It doubly pisses me off that I have to pretend to hide how pissed off I am in order to scam you into letting me into your lives again. Thank goodness I’m a master at all this, and you don’t even notice I’m smoldering with outrage, offended and bristly, and brimming over with bile that I can’t wait to splash all over you and those you hold dear. Fortunately for my future gratification, I have carefully cataloged all my associated rage and vengeful spite so I can access those emotions again in the future when I want to smite you.”

* * * * * * * * * * *

“I just wonder if we can communicate again, that’s all — like without dragging each other through all the things we think we’ve done wrong. Just talk enough so I can see my niece and nephew again or chat on the phone.”

 

UBT version: “I’m not asking for much — just for you to reverse the very necessary boundary you’ve drawn to protect yourself and your children from my predation. I mean, I’m definitely going to hurt them or at least hurt YOU by saying snarky things about your parenting to others. You owe me that. IT’S FUN FOR ME. And I don’t want be reminded of what an ass I’ve been in the distant and recent past. That would be very inconvenient and uncomfortable for me, and we know that my feelings are paramount here. After all, ALL that I’m asking for is to be allowed to pour poison into your children’s ears and be a model for shitty behavior. That’s not asking for too much, is it? How DARE you be a good mother. How dare you hold me accountable. Oh, and by the way — you are supposed to believe that I’ve done nothing wrong. See how I worded this? You only THINK I’ve been wrong.”

* * * * * * * * * * *

“I want them to know that I’m here for them, no matter what you feel or what anyone feels or is bothered by, I am still their auntie and I care for them and will do anything for them. I want them to know that.”

 

UBT version: “I really could have gotten a career as a shitty Hallmark card writer of trite and sentimental generalities. To emphasize my point of my utter awesomeness, I’ve used my most favorite word ever FIVE TIMES in this sentence — ‘I.’ It would really gratify me if I could con your kids into believing that I’m reliable, loyal and trustworthy, because when I find a vulnerable moment of their deepest need and then abandon them, it will be such sweet, sweet narcissistic supply for me to crush them AND to sip on your pain when you see your children suffer. I really want them to believe the con. And to do that, I need access to them.”

* * * * * * * * * * *

“You hold all the power here, and you know this. I just wish you would be more compassionate towards me and respond to my messages, for starters.”

 

UBT version: “GOD, it really irks me to realize that you could actually thwart me on anything. How DARE you. I demand that you put my desires at the top of your priority list, pronto. And when I want to talk to you, you’d better snap to it and listen, girl. You hear me talking to you?! DO YOU?”

* * * * * * * * * * *

“And please take into account that no matter how you or I feel about each other, that shouldn’t change whether or not I have a relationship with the kids or influence it at all, really.”

 

UBT version: “You know how I feel about you, right? It’s not good. Not good at all. And I’m totally correct about that. Oh, I know you have some unreasonable grudge against me for goodness-only-knows-what silly reason, but you’re wrong as usual. The fact that you see me exactly as I am, and that I am furious you won’t allow me to abuse you or your children any longer, should have no bearing on the fact that I really, really want to siphon off some narcissistic supply from your delicious …. er, precious … children. You have no right to protect them from a clear and present danger like me.”

* * * * * * * * * * *

“It makes me especially sad that Geordie doesn’t have anyone else. Like Belle has [names redacted: her stepmother, paternal aunt, half-brothers on her dad’s side, dad and paternal grandmother]. But Geordie doesn’t have that, so why remove us from his life?”

 

UBT version: I am trying to thrust a spear of doubt beneath your armor by claiming that your youngest kid is suffering because he’s not being exposed to me. How could you deny him THIS magnificence, the total package of awesome auntiehood that I am? I know you doubt yourself and that you are selfless, particularly when it comes to your kids (although, frankly, I am baffled by the concept of selflessness, but whatever). So I’m really, really confident that this tired old ‘But think of the CHILDREN!’ manipulation will work with you. Also, I’m going to not-so-subtly work in a gibe about your family structure to see if I can impose some misplaced self-doubt on you. And I didn’t even notice my extreme presumption that I’m well informed on what extended family exists or is accessible for your son these days. None of that is important. What **I** want is important.”

* * * * * * * * * * *

“It’s completely selfish of you.”

 

UBT version: “See what a safe and loving influence I would be in your life in a normal and unrestricted sisterly relationship — see how I never blame-cast or cause pain? Well, not unless it’s deserved, and I am the one who decides when you need abuse (hint: it’s often). It’s very selfish of you to put your judgment as the children’s loving and protective mother over mine as their malicious aunt. How DARE you thwart someone as important as me. I’m getting quite impatient with your restraint, maturity and firmness. How dare you set limits on me — I definitely didn’t give you permission to make a decision like that.”

* * * * * * * * * * *

“Sitting with my fingers crossed is okay, but I feel like you’ll say in the future that I never tried.”

 

UBT version: “I hope you’ve noticed how patient I’ve been while you’re being unreasonable, protecting your children like this. What’s really important here are (1) whether I’m inconvenienced, (2) whether my over-inflated ego is wounded, and, of course, (3) whether my IMAGE is preserved. (After all, I actually think I have a good image.) Because whether I’m a good aunt or not isn’t the point. The point is that I put on the VENEER of being a good aunt. After all, gotta tend the little narc supply … er, niece and nephew … if I want to drain them … er, enjoy them … in the future.”

* * * * * * * * * * *

“But I know if I try too hard you’ll block my messages or whatever else you can do to enforce the fortress walls.”

 

UBT version: “I’m too lazy to do much, so I’m going to blame my lackadaisical efforts on you from the get-go. I’m contemptuous of your boundaries, and I’m oblivious to the fact that a fortress exists for a very good reason … protection in a hostile environment. How DARE you give your children a safe refuge from me!”

* * * * * * * * * * *

“I really hope you’ll let me talk to Belle on her birthday.”

 

UBT version: “I’d really like to ruin a special occasion for her, throw some guilt her way, and criticize you within her hearing. And wouldn’t it be super-special if I were able to tempt her loyalty with the promise of gifts? Really, this is an unparalleled opportunity for a narc. You simply can’t deny it to me.”

* * * * * * * * * * *

“Can I have her mobile number so I can call her?”

 

UBT version: “I want to contact her directly and do an end run around you so you can worry about how I’m trying to alienate your daughter from you. I know how easy it is to manipulate and mislead a young person, and I’m so frigging good at it. I can’t wait to use my skills again on my niece!”

* * * * * * * * * * *

“I’d like to be able to say happy birthday to you this year.”

 

UBT version: “Oh yeah. Um … you too. I’d really like to crap all over YOUR birthday too. Obvi.”

 

[END OF NARKY LETTER]

 

Hang in there, Fi. You’re fighting the good fight!

Source: Flickr.com; some rights reserved.

Down with malice! Up with love and security! Source: Flickr.com; some rights reserved.

  4 comments for “Analysis: ‘How DARE you call me on my bullshit!’

  1. Fi W
    May 30, 2016 at 10:23 AM

    Oh Effie! This analysis & response to my sister’s email just made my day. No, my life! I was literally laughing out loud as I read it. You nailed it! Absolutely effing nailed it! Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. I’m honoured to call you my friend. Much love xxxx Fi

    • Effie
      June 3, 2016 at 9:07 AM

      I’m so glad you enjoyed! Her behavior really is outrageous. < >

  2. May 30, 2016 at 11:01 AM

    most EXCELLENT deconstruction of the bullshit!

    • Effie
      June 3, 2016 at 9:07 AM

      Thanks, Sherri!

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